A bit of a massive overshare!

Have you ever been ejaculated on?

Maybe I shouldn't have started this with that question. Its rhetorical. I don't really want to know. I just wanted to let you know what you were in for if you continue reading because I have, and it was technically an accident and involved no actual sexual act whatsoever. Confused? keep reading... you'll get what I mean.

Where: A NW residential home for young people with severe challenging behavior and educational needs.


When: Late 2003


It's 2003 and I work for a private company caring for young people with severe challenging behavior and special needs. The role involves supporting the emotional, behavioral, educational and personal care of young people with severe challenging behavior. By that I don't mean criminals. We are talking children with perhaps severe communication issues, high on the autistic spectrum.

There is one particular lad, aged 17, who has a tendency to get.. excitable... at times. And being 17, he is of coursed entitled to be excited. Its the job of whoever is working with him to make sure if he does get excited he goes and does it in his own room. out of the way.

Well....that's the groundwork laid... lets fast forward to October 2003.

4:30pm: Its dinnertime and staff and residents are sat around the dinner table eating. I'm working with a young man who communicates using only pictures. We are discussing what he wants for dessert. He's put 3 pictures of cake on his chart. I'm attempting to negotiate without him biting me. The boy at the other side of me is chatting about how he "fucking hates ducks" with his worker.

4:45pm: I have so far managed to negotiate down to one piece of cake, a banana and, apparently, my wallet which the young man has managed to take from my pocket and is laughing at the picture on my old university library card. The boy on the other side of me is now talking about what he does like. Apparently he likes swings. He's giggling at the thought of the swing.

4:47pm: Managed to retrieve my wallet. Suffered only one minor nip so not too bad. Appeased him with more cake. The boy on the other side of me is really quite taken with the swing. He's bouncing about something rotten.

4:58pm: I'm attempting to retrieve the salt cellar from the lad I'm working with. He's pouring it in his hand and throwing it on his head. The boy next to me is grunting for some reason.

4:59pm: Got the salt cellar back. he is now putting a picture of a football on his chart. It's pissing it down. We are not playing football, these are new jeans I'm wearing. I try to change it to a jigsaw. He's having none of it. Suddenly the boy on the other side of me makes a telltale groan....

5:15pm: I am outside in the rain playing football. The jeans I were wearing are in the washing machine covered in a teenage boys DNA. Seems he REALLY likes swings!