Who Wears Short Shorts?

I saw a Buddhist monk this morning as i looked out of the office window. He had a rucksack on his back and seemed to be waiting for a bus. I sat there for a while imagining him wandering around Tesco's doing his weekly big shop or out in Reflex throwing some shapes to the theme from Baywatch. It was then that i remembered the time i went to a toga party at uni.

Ahhhh...Toga Parties. The staple theme for any student party during the 90's and early 00's. This particular party was very early on in my 2nd year. Myself and 'the gang' has all moved into a house and were enjoying the freedom you just don't get in uni halls (basically the ability to walk into anybody's bedroom whilst they were sleeping and draw on their face).

Now, to attend a Toga party you need two things. Firstly...a toga. This is very easily achieved with a white  bed sheet. You then wrap the bed sheet around your body. Simple. Or it would be if you hadn't insisted on only having orange bedsheets. As it turns out wrapping yourself up in an orange bed sheet doesn't make you look like a Greek or Roman. It makes you look like a knob. Or a Buddhist monk. (Not that i am saying Buddhist monks are knobs. Just that if you aren't a Buddhist monk and are going to a toga party dressed as one you look like a knob).

So that's the toga sorted the next thing you'll need is a pair of shorts. This is less about keeping you warm and more to do with the fact if you don't someone WILL steal your bed sheet and you will spend the rest of the night in your underwear. As it turns out i didn't own any shorts so I had to borrow some from Hobbsy. The baggiest pair of shorts you have ever seen. I looked like MC Hammer with half cast pants on.

So anyway. Shorts on and looking like I was fresh from a temple in Nepal we went to the party. It was largely uneventful and involved basically just drinking heavily and walking home.

Now. Please heed the following advice. If you should find yourself walking home from a party late at night with a group of friends DO NOT attempt to play leap frog over some bollards. ESPECIALLY avoid doing this if you happen to be wearing tremendously baggy shorts and dressed like a monk. It will not turn out good for you.

To be fair...the first three bollards were fine. I was over them like Colin Jackson over hurdles. then we reached Ethel Austins and things went pear shaped (cue slow motion imagery and Chariots of Fire music)

I started my run up, ready to leap the final bollard between me and my hero status that I would surely claim should i make it. I ran, my orange bed sheet billowing behind me. My hands hit the top of the bollard and my feet lifted off the ground as i threw myself forward. I was going to make it. Everyone was watching ready to cheer and whoop. Even the police in the car that was passing slowed down to witness this fantastic feat. I carried on through the air...

....I couldn't quite understand why i was laid on the floor. Everything seemed to have gone to plan. The run up. The launch. it was all perfect. There should be no reason as to why I had failed. Everyone was looking at me laughing. My friends. The police. Ethel Austin (had she been a person and not a charity shop).

I attempted to pick myself up off the floor but couldn't. I tried again but got halfway then fell to the floor again. I was confused. Maybe my bed sheet had got tangled around the bollard? I removed the bed sheet and tried again. It was then that I realised what had happened. As I looked down I saw that the bollard had somehow managed to rip through the front of my tremendously baggy shorts and out through the back leaving me attached to the bollard. I was stuck. The police continued slowly past and around the corner. Laughing at my misfortune, Chaz had decided to carry my bed sheet away from me knowing there was only one thing for me to do.

And that is how I ended up walking through Lancaster Town centre in just my Boxer Shorts in Autumn 2001.

Drugs, Sex and 15 Hours Sleep

In September 2009 myself and my mate Dean decided it would be fun to travel to London and visit the famous Ministry of Sound. It was here that Dean managed to fall asleep, stood up, in the middle of a packed club with very loud music playing. I laughed heartily at him for this for months. Turns out what goes around comes around.

Fast forward to August 2010. Bank Holiday weekend.

Sunday 29th August.


06:30
I am awoken by the sound of Dean messing with his phone. I am in a tiny wooden shed in the middle of a field in Cheshire. We arrived at 11:30am the day before but we'll come to that later. I get up fearing a hangover but actually feel pretty good. Just a bit tired. I go to the loo and grab myself some breakfast.

13:00
Spend some time wandering around enjoying the festival before the DJ's start. Decide to see what Beer with RedBull tastes like. Turns out it tastes like Beer with RedBull in.

16:00
Am stood in a field full of people with a girl on my shoulders dancing. She sees herself on the big screen and gets very excited. Panic cause i think she's started having an epileptic fit. She isn't. Panic over.

16:30
A queue of girls has formed. Turns out they also saw the girl on the big screen and want to be on it too. I start a production line. luckily for me they are all pretty, small and light...unlike the one on Dean's shoulders who, well, isn't.

17:00
Note to self. If a girl on your shoulders tries sticking her finger in your mouth, don't let her. For the past 30 minutes i have been acting like a child who has drunk 50 espressos and eaten a kilogram of sugar. Turns out by trying to bite the girls finger I accidentally took drugs. It was neither a bad nor a good experience. I always thought that taking drugs resulted in seeing unicorns and talking animals, all it made me was sweaty and thirsty.

23:30
Going to sleep ready for the journey home. Been an okay day apart from the accidental drug taking. Much better than the day before anyway.......

.....the day before. 


Saturday 28th August 2010


06:30 
Awake in my bed in Bolton. Jump up grab shower. Stick my pink T-shirt on ready to leave for Creamfields.

07:00
DISASTER! We can't fit all the Beer in our bags. We need to leave some behind. I feel sorry for the beer that has to stay behind so I open one and drink it.

08:00
Arrive in Manchester. My belly hurts. Drinking beer at 7am is not a good idea. We go and get a McDonalds Breakfast.

08:45
Lost in Manchester's Gay Village looking for the coach. If i had realised that the coach was going from the Gay Village, on the day of Gay Pride, I maybe would have rethought the pink T-shirt. A man stops us and asks what we are looking for. He seems awfully disappointed when we tell him 'the bus to Creamfields".

09:30
On the 'Special bus' to Creamfields. Two girls from the Wirral are sat in front of us in bikinis and fur boots.  Why they are catching a bus from Manchester and not Liverpool is anybody's guess. They are struggling to put their fake eyelashes on ask if I can open the glue. I attempt to using my teeth. Manage to open the glue. Manage to glue my teeth together.

11:00
Arrive at Creamfields. We have hospitality tickets which means we have paid extra to be right next to the arena so we can be in first to see the DJ's. Turns out that's a further 1.5mile walk across a muddy field to reach the campsite.

11:30
Arrive at our shed. We are living like two little gay gnomes for the weekend.

12:30

Start drinking more beer.

15:30

Getting bored of beer. Decide i need some water. The Scottish lads opposite have a 5litre bottle of Water. I ask if i can have some. They say okay as long as I drink from the bottle non-stop for 5 seconds. Clearly this is a trap but i partake in the challenge anyway. Drink half a pint of straight vodka in 5 seconds.

17::30

Can't seem to walk properly but manage to make it to the arena to see the end of Audiobullys.

18:45

Need a wee. Tell Dean I am going for a wee. He gives me 20 quid to buy some beers.

18:50

Return to where I though I'd left Dean. I have neither had a wee or bought beer. I have no idea where I went. Can't find Dean. Decide the best option is to wander into the middle of the crowd and make my way to the front. That would be the most obvious place for him to find me.

19:30

Deadmau5 starts. 30,000 people behind me all push forward. I'm at the front and as they push i grab a girls shoulders to keep my balance. She thinks I'm trying to stop her falling. She thanks me and kisses me.

19:35

Still being crushed.  Girl asks if i want to get out of the crowd. I say yes. We get out of the crowd.

19:45

Got so far out of the crowd i seem to be in her tent....... discussing politics and religion and not having sex or anything like that. Honest....... ish....

20:10

Need the loo so tell girl I'm going to the loo. Go to the loo but when I am finished I am so drunk I forget to go back to the tent and instead go to my shed. Get in shed. Puke. Go to sleep.

22:00

Dean comes into shed and wakes me. Informs me i have missed the Deadmua5 set and that Guetta starts in 30minutes. I stand up. Kneel down. Puke. Go back to sleep.

Sunday 29th August.

06:30

I am awoken by the sound of Dean messing with his phone. I am in a tiny wooden shed in the middle of a field in Cheshire............

And that is the story of how I managed to outdo Dean's humiliating 'falling asleep in a club' feat by paying 200quid to visit a field, accidentally take drugs, have sex with a small ginger girl and then fall asleep for 15 hours missing everything I'd paid 200quid to see.