A bit of a massive overshare!

Have you ever been ejaculated on?

Maybe I shouldn't have started this with that question. Its rhetorical. I don't really want to know. I just wanted to let you know what you were in for if you continue reading because I have, and it was technically an accident and involved no actual sexual act whatsoever. Confused? keep reading... you'll get what I mean.

Where: A NW residential home for young people with severe challenging behavior and educational needs.


When: Late 2003


It's 2003 and I work for a private company caring for young people with severe challenging behavior and special needs. The role involves supporting the emotional, behavioral, educational and personal care of young people with severe challenging behavior. By that I don't mean criminals. We are talking children with perhaps severe communication issues, high on the autistic spectrum.

There is one particular lad, aged 17, who has a tendency to get.. excitable... at times. And being 17, he is of coursed entitled to be excited. Its the job of whoever is working with him to make sure if he does get excited he goes and does it in his own room. out of the way.

Well....that's the groundwork laid... lets fast forward to October 2003.

4:30pm: Its dinnertime and staff and residents are sat around the dinner table eating. I'm working with a young man who communicates using only pictures. We are discussing what he wants for dessert. He's put 3 pictures of cake on his chart. I'm attempting to negotiate without him biting me. The boy at the other side of me is chatting about how he "fucking hates ducks" with his worker.

4:45pm: I have so far managed to negotiate down to one piece of cake, a banana and, apparently, my wallet which the young man has managed to take from my pocket and is laughing at the picture on my old university library card. The boy on the other side of me is now talking about what he does like. Apparently he likes swings. He's giggling at the thought of the swing.

4:47pm: Managed to retrieve my wallet. Suffered only one minor nip so not too bad. Appeased him with more cake. The boy on the other side of me is really quite taken with the swing. He's bouncing about something rotten.

4:58pm: I'm attempting to retrieve the salt cellar from the lad I'm working with. He's pouring it in his hand and throwing it on his head. The boy next to me is grunting for some reason.

4:59pm: Got the salt cellar back. he is now putting a picture of a football on his chart. It's pissing it down. We are not playing football, these are new jeans I'm wearing. I try to change it to a jigsaw. He's having none of it. Suddenly the boy on the other side of me makes a telltale groan....

5:15pm: I am outside in the rain playing football. The jeans I were wearing are in the washing machine covered in a teenage boys DNA. Seems he REALLY likes swings!

London (Part Two)

Where: London, UK


Date: Sunday January 11th 2009

9:51pm: I am walking down some narrow stairs after leaving a giant prostitutes flat and being offered a cup of tea by a tiny hunchbacked old lady. We are following a big black man. Not because we want to but because he is bigger than us and its dark and quiet outside. He insists on showing us where we can have "a couple more pints". We would much rather be on our way home to our beds.


9:52pm: We follow the man man around the corner onto the dark quiet street we met him on. It is no longer dark and quiet. It seems that in the 8 minutes in which we spent trying to find a way out of a prostitutes flat the once dark secluded street between Leicester Square and Soho has turned into the Moulin Rouge. Bright neon signs glow and scantly clad ladies stand in doorways.


9:53pm: The man herds us through a door covered by a curtain into an empty bar before we have a chance to argue. The 'bar' is more of a small lounge with a tiny bar in the corner, a BIGGGGGG bartender and two naked girls dancing with each other. We are the only two other people present. Me and Brendan decide, through the power of telepathy, that we will have one beer and run away. 


9:54pm: Brendan and I approach the barman and order two beers. He pours two pints, hands them to us and asks for £30.....
.....
9:55pm: We sit down with our beer. Brendan is thirty quid worse off as a result of us both being too terrified to not pay the massive beefy bloke giving us beer. We are seated  in front of the naked ladies who are still dancing. We sit in silence for a minute drinking our beer. We may as well enjoy the 'show'.


9:56pm: The music stops and the girls leave. We sit and wait for whatever is going to happen next.


10:00pm: After sitting in silence drinking our highly expensive beer in an empty room for five minutes the barman informs us that the place is shutting and we need to "fuck off out now!". We don't need asking twice.


10:01pm: We are outside the 'bar' on what has suddenly become a dark, secluded street again. The Moulin Rouge has gone. The only people on the street are now two scared men and one big black fella staring at us. He grins a big grin and says two words.


10:02pm: "Follow me!"


......we run towards Leicester Square and go home!