5:20pm: Arrive at London Euston. I'm attending a cyberbullying conference on Monday morning so have been booked into the hotel so I can be there fro the 9am start. Have an evening in London to myself so have arranged to meet a friend who is coming down from Southend for a few drinks in the Capital.
6:00pm: Booked in and settled at the Hotel, due to meet Brendon in half an hour outside Piccadilly Circus Underground. have a shower and stick some clothes on. You have to do this to prevent being arrested for indecent exposure.
6:30pm: Meet Brendan and walk to the Trocadero for a couple of pints. Have a catchup.
7:45pm: Get peckish so decide to look for some food. Find a Chinese restaurant and grab some all you can eat.
8:30pm: Fed and ready for more beer we take a walk into Leicester Square. Its a bit quiet. Where the hell are all the people? This IS the UK capital... it should be thriving.
8:25pm: Find a Walkabout bar and go in for more beers. Spend time chatting to some foreigners. They have no idea what we are saying. Its okay though cause we have no idea what they are saying either.
9:20pm: Decide we need a change of scenery and people we can understand and go in search of another bar. Walk through Soho. The place is dead.
9:45pm: Still can't find any decent venue to drink in. Walk down a street towards Leicester Square again. We stop by a fella who seems to be looking for someone. I ask him where all the nightlife is.
9:46pm: We are walking up a backstreet in Soho with a large black man. We have to. He told us to "follow me!" after we asked him where the London nightlife was.
9:47pm: Brendan and myself follow the guy up some stairs and are herded into a small flat. The door closes behind us leaving myself, Brendon and a 6 foot 3 tall lady in just her underwear in front of us who welcomes us with a smile and a 'hello'. The big black fella has disappeared.
"It shall be 30pounds for 10minutes, and 60pounds for the hour" says the giant, clearly eastern European lady in front of us. Me and Brendan look at each other with faces that clearly say 'this isn't a bar' followed with eye movements that say 'how the fuck do we get out of this one?"
9:48pm: The eastern European lady stands watching us smiling waiting for us to talk. I look at Brendan. He looks at me. We need to get out of here but how? An idea hits me....
"What time you open til?" i ask.
I didn't say it was a good idea, and Brendan's face says the same thing as he stares at me. I have just treated a scantly clad lady like a local Tesco Express. The glare soon disappears though when, unfazed, she replies "usually around here until 5am".
Brendan soon realises we have an out and joins in "right...well...i think we may possibly just go and have a few more pints before the pub shuts then come back in a bit if that's okay?"
We SHALL get out of here.
"That's fine" says the EEL (Eastern European Lady) "but you make sure you give no monies to the man outside. Only ever give monies to me okay?"
"Okay" we say simultaneously eager to leave the awkward situation in which we found ourselves. Although we panic when we realise there is a big fella waiting for us on the other side of the door.
9:49pm: We are about to leave when a little old lady with a hunchback and a red cardigan wanders in from behind a curtain leading to what appears to be a kitchen. Without a word she passes between ourselves and the EEL goes to a DVD player. Changes the disk and returns into the kitchen.
9:4........: "Would you like a cup of tea" says the little old lady who has returned almost immediately into the room. Gobsmacked myself and Brendan can do little except shake our heads as she smiles and returns behind the curtain.
9:50pm: We lie to the EEL and tell her we shall see her later. We exit the room and are met with a big fella who we haven't seen for 3 whole minutes. "What happened?" he asks. "we thought we'd have a few beers first" we lie.
9:51pm: "Follow me!".............
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